


Change with a Big C

by ThisIsLitaE



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Barisi - Freeform, Barisi Opposite Challenge, Cancer, Emotional Hurt, Feels, Hurt/Comfort, Lawyer Husbands, M/M, Married Couple, Men Crying, Sick Rafael Barba, Tearjerker, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-19
Updated: 2020-09-19
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:41:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26541583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThisIsLitaE/pseuds/ThisIsLitaE
Summary: Dominick comes home in his smart new suit to find his husband on the couch wearing a flannel shirt and sweat pants. One of the subtle yet noticeable effects of the cancer invading Rafael’s body. Trying to be strong while his husband is sick, Dominick finds his composure breaking.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 12
Kudos: 48
Collections: Barisi Opposites Challenge





	Change with a Big C

Dominick had decided to walk the several blocks home that day. Usually he was eager to get back home to Rafael and the comfort of their shared apartment. But in the two months passed there came days when Dominick had to steel himself before seeing his husband. The walk provided him with time to gather his thoughts and, if it was a particularly bad day, an opportunity to cry privately.

Two blocks from home, Dominick stopped by the flower stand on the corner. He saw that they had a fresh batch of sunflowers. They were Rafael’s favourite flower as they reminded him of the popular Van Gogh painting. The lawyer picked up a bunch from the bucket, holding it carefully so water wouldn’t drip on his new suit. Something about the yellow petals just seemed so happy. He hoped Rafael would think so, too.

His briefcase in one hand and flowers in another, Dominick continued home. He felt his heart beating fast upon entering his building. The familiar thoughts and worries came into his mind. Was Rafael having a good or bad day? Had he eaten anything? Was there news that could only be told face to face awaiting him? A buzz came from his pocket and Dominick dropped his briefcase in the desperate need to answer his phone. When he realised the text wasn’t from Rafael, a sigh of relief escaped him.

Forcing a neutral expression on his face, Dominick entered his apartment. He placed his briefcase on the floor and slipped out of his shoes. As he took the few extra steps to hang up his suit jacket, Dominick caught the first glimpse of his husband. Rafael was laying back on the couch, staring into space. A black and green flannel shirt and black sweat pants hung loosely of his body. Rafael’s laptop lay on the table next to a barely touched bowl of pretzels.

Dominick was about to remove his vest, feeling over dressed in comparison to his husband. But seeing Rafael’s small smile had him heading to the other man’s side immediately. He held out the sunflowers, smiling in return.

“I saw these and thought of you,” Dominick explained as he placed a kiss to Rafael’s lips, which felt dry against his own.

Rafael put the flowers aside next to his laptop. “I appreciate the thought. But they’re just going to wilt and die in a few days.”

Dominick’s breath hitched in response. He hated when Rafael talked about death, even in passing, but didn’t dare say anything. Ever since the doctor had given the diagnosis, Dominick had always feared for the worst. Even the reassurance that lymphoma caught in early stages had a high remission rate didn’t stop the extra trips to church.

The previous two months had been a tough adjustment and he’d learned to empathise with Rafael’s coping mechanisms. No matter how much it hurt, Dominick vowed to remain strong for his husband. All he could do was be there, and pray that the cancer didn’t take the love of his life away.

“How was your day?” asked Dominick as he picked up Rafael’s hand, lightly stroking the wedding band on the ring finger.

“I’d rather be in the courtroom doing something, even if I had to shadow you,” Rafael replied with a sigh of frustration. He had agreed to take a break from prosecuting, knowing he couldn’t give it his all given how the chemotherapy affected him. “By the way, that suit looks great on you. You’ve always looked sexy in navy.”

“Well, I learned how to dress from the best,” Dominick said as he lifted Rafael and moved to sit behind him. He embraced the older man from behind, feeling how thin he had become over the course of treatment. “Although, it appears that you’re now wearing one of my shirts.”

“It helps when it gets cold. And since you don’t like doing laundry, it smells like you,” Rafael explained as he shuffled to get comfortable.

Dominick sniffed out a laugh. “It sounds like you’re getting soft on me, Rafael.”

“Just realising what’s important,” Rafael turned around to meet Dominick’s eyes. He reached up and touched the younger man’s cheek. “I love you, mi amor.”

“I love you, too,” Dominick answered while trying to hold back the tears in his eyes.

He watched as Rafael snuggled into his chest. Dominick wrapped his arms around the other man, tight enough to keep him close yet still making sure to be gentle. As deeply as he loved Rafael, sometimes Dominick hated seeing his husband as a shadow of his former self.

For one, he missed being able to bury his face into Rafael’s hair. There were a few stray hairs sticking up on Rafael’s almost bald head. Dominick nuzzled the stubborn strands that had survived the chemotherapy. Somehow the sweet smell of Rafael’s shampoo lingered on the scalp.

Another thing that shook him was being the better dressed of the two. Rafael didn’t bother getting dressed up with nowhere to go. Many of his designer suits became loose as the weight dropped off. Some would say that Rafael wore his suits like armour, to cover where he had come from. But Dominick saw them as a symbol of how hard Rafael worked to get where he was, the mark of a truly amazing human being. The ever confident man dressing down showed just how vulnerable a position Rafael was in.

“Did you manage to eat much today?” Dominick enquired as he did every day.

“Your Ma brought over a lasagne. It’s in the fridge if you want to heat it up,” Rafael said while giving a shake of his head. “She insisted I try it in front of her. I know she means well but…well, at least she’s a little more bearable than my own mother, right now.”

“I’ll talk to her, get her to back off a bit,” Dominick assured him. But he knew the only way to avoid his mother was to not answer the door. “For now, Rollins is enjoying the left overs for Jessie and Billie.”

Dominick rubbed circles into Rafael’s back. Normally at this time of the evening he’d be in the kitchen cooking up a storm. He’d stopped when Rafael lost his appetite. That hadn’t stopped Mrs Carisi’s insistence at bringing over meals for them both, meaning their fridge ended up packed with left overs. As much as he loved cooking, Dominick was grateful for the extra time to sit and simply hold Rafael. There was no way to determine if a hug was going to be their last.

The tears he’d held back began to come forth again. He knew it wouldn’t be long before they spilled. Not wanting to concern Rafael, Dominick had developed a few tricks to hide his crying. He’d comforted his husband many times over friends who showed up and cried buckets the whole visit. Honourable as their intentions may have been, people sobbing over him drove Rafael up the wall.

Dominick gently lifted Rafael and proceeded to slide out from under him. “I’m just going to go have a shower. Pick out something you want to watch on TV and I’ll be right with you.”

“Enough lying,” Rafael stated firmly. He grabbed Dominick’s hand before the younger man could escape to the bathroom. “It’s okay if you want to cry, Dominick. You don’t have to keep running off to the shower to avoid me.”

Dominick stopped short and felt an immediate pain in his heart. As though hearing the permission, tears made their way down his cheeks. Dominick turned back to the man he loved, meeting a pair of concerned green eyes. Kneeling down beside the couch, he looked down at Rafael’s hand and again played with the wedding band.

“I wasn’t trying to lie to you, Rafi. I know you hate it when people come over and make a fuss. I didn’t want to add to that. I want to be here for you as best I can,” Dominick stammered out as he sniffled.

Rafael caressed Dominick’s cheek to wipe away the tears. “What frustrates me even more is you holding back because you think I can’t handle your grief. The difference between you and those people is that you’re my husband and this affects you, too.”

“You’re the one who’s sick. I don’t feel right dumping it on you,” Dominick explained as he grabbed Rafael’s hand and squeezed.

Rafael guided Dominick’s head into his lap and stroked the silvery blonde hair. “All I know is that if the situations were reversed, I’d be inconsolable. It’s amazing that you want to be strong for me, but if you need to cry then I’m here for you. That part will never change, cancer or not.”

Dominick cried out in pain. He felt gentle fingers carding through his hair and listened to Rafael’s soothing words. His light sobbing turned into full blown wailing as he buried his face in Rafael’s lap. Everything he bottled up since the original diagnosis flowed out of him.

“It’s not fair!” he shouted. “It’s just not fair.”

“You can say that again,” Rafael responded, continuing to comfort the other man until his breathing evened out slightly.

“I love you, so much,” Dominick whispered over and over when he could form words again. Within those words was the unspoken hope that God could hear them and make Rafael well again.

After what felt like an eternity, Dominick brought himself up from Rafael’s lap. He felt a little embarrassed at his outburst but ultimately better at releasing everything. Warmth filled him at knowing how lucky he was to have such an amazing husband, however long they had left together.

“Now, can we get back to being honest with each other?” Rafael was being snarky, but his kind eyes showed there was no animosity.

Dominick wiped his face and managed to smile, “Come on, no need to be so hard on me.”

“I only do it because I love you,” Rafael quipped as he picked up Dominick’s silk tie, tutting. “Looks like you’ve just ugly cried on your nice new tie.”

Dominick couldn’t help but let out a sheepish laugh. “I’ll have to borrow one of yours for court tomorrow.”

“For now, we can take it off,” Rafael took off the tie and tossed it over his laptop. He turned back to Dominick with a suggestive look in his eyes. “Now, weren’t you saying something about a shower?”

**Author's Note:**

> * Barisi Opposite Challenge: Sonny is the better dressed of the two  
> * Unable to work on my original manuscript today, this came out as a result!  
> * So, I went from Barisi tickles to Barisi angst...okay then  
> * Hope you liked the fic (as much as you can "enjoy" an angst fic that is).  
> * Leave kudos or comments if you wish to encourage me


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